In-Laws

     For the first few years of our marriage, my in-law relationship was terribly strained.  I was raised outside the Church, in a small family who had little relationship with our extended family.  My husband was the oldest of six kids and had lots of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents who spent a good deal of time together.  I was so excited to have a big family!  My husband and I got along famously, so I had no idea why I seemed to offend and bother most of his relatives. 

     My husband’s family had many implicit and intuitive family rules that were in direct opposition to those I’d grown up with.  It’s interesting, thinking back, that those rules weren’t a problem between us, as a couple, in fact, most of them haven’t carried over into our family.  Most of them don’t even exist in his family anymore, now that I’m not the only in-law in the group!  

     My in-laws were offended by my open communication.  I say what I’m thinking and give honest feedback when asked for it.  Randy’s family rarely communicated about feelings, avoided the very appearance of conflict and tended to answer queries with what they thought the other person would like to hear, even if it wasn’t completely truthful.  They didn’t really know what to do with me.  From my perspective, I couldn’t figure out why I kept stepping on toes.  My family had always been very open, communicated our feelings and had plenty of conflict and disagreement that didn’t hurt our relationships.  My parents treated me as an equal very early on (which I’m not advocating for) but that didn’t prepare me for in-laws who treated me like a young adult rather than their peer.  

     In pondering my children-in-law, I can see how family rules have made a difference in the relationships we have with each of them.  Our two sons-in-law come from very similar families to our own and they both fit in beautifully from the first visit.  Our daughter-in-law, however, comes from a family with very different intuitive rules.  Bringing her into the family circle has been a work of tears and hurt feelings.  She would have fit better into my husband’s family 30 years ago than I ever did!  Since our oldest son is more like his in-laws when it comes to hiding from communication and fearing conflict, it shouldn’t be surprising that he’d find a wife who was more that way.  

     We put a collective foot down, the first time our son came over to talk about things that were bothering his new wife.  Though I didn’t know the term triangulation, I’ve always been one to want to work out problems face to face.  We told him that we’d never have a strong relationship if we couldn’t talk about what was bothering us and encouraged him to bring her over, so we could all talk and learn together.  I believe that was the beginning of the relationship we are still building with her.  

     Today, my husband’s family is my family.  I remember how awkward it felt to call his parents Mom and Dad on our wedding day.  I can’t identify an event or a day when it stopped feeling odd, but I do know that somewhere along the line, it went from a title of respect to an expression of deepest honor.  I want to be that kind of in-law to my own children.