In-Laws

     For the first few years of our marriage, my in-law relationship was terribly strained.  I was raised outside the Church, in a small family who had little relationship with our extended family.  My husband was the oldest of six kids and had lots of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents who spent a good deal of time together.  I was so excited to have a big family!  My husband and I got along famously, so I had no idea why I seemed to offend and bother most of his relatives. 

     My husband’s family had many implicit and intuitive family rules that were in direct opposition to those I’d grown up with.  It’s interesting, thinking back, that those rules weren’t a problem between us, as a couple, in fact, most of them haven’t carried over into our family.  Most of them don’t even exist in his family anymore, now that I’m not the only in-law in the group!  

     My in-laws were offended by my open communication.  I say what I’m thinking and give honest feedback when asked for it.  Randy’s family rarely communicated about feelings, avoided the very appearance of conflict and tended to answer queries with what they thought the other person would like to hear, even if it wasn’t completely truthful.  They didn’t really know what to do with me.  From my perspective, I couldn’t figure out why I kept stepping on toes.  My family had always been very open, communicated our feelings and had plenty of conflict and disagreement that didn’t hurt our relationships.  My parents treated me as an equal very early on (which I’m not advocating for) but that didn’t prepare me for in-laws who treated me like a young adult rather than their peer.  

     In pondering my children-in-law, I can see how family rules have made a difference in the relationships we have with each of them.  Our two sons-in-law come from very similar families to our own and they both fit in beautifully from the first visit.  Our daughter-in-law, however, comes from a family with very different intuitive rules.  Bringing her into the family circle has been a work of tears and hurt feelings.  She would have fit better into my husband’s family 30 years ago than I ever did!  Since our oldest son is more like his in-laws when it comes to hiding from communication and fearing conflict, it shouldn’t be surprising that he’d find a wife who was more that way.  

     We put a collective foot down, the first time our son came over to talk about things that were bothering his new wife.  Though I didn’t know the term triangulation, I’ve always been one to want to work out problems face to face.  We told him that we’d never have a strong relationship if we couldn’t talk about what was bothering us and encouraged him to bring her over, so we could all talk and learn together.  I believe that was the beginning of the relationship we are still building with her.  

     Today, my husband’s family is my family.  I remember how awkward it felt to call his parents Mom and Dad on our wedding day.  I can’t identify an event or a day when it stopped feeling odd, but I do know that somewhere along the line, it went from a title of respect to an expression of deepest honor.  I want to be that kind of in-law to my own children. 

Power and Pride

   

  Richard Miller opens his address, Who is the Boss, by stating, “Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems.”  As I read his remarks, thoughts of Ezra Benson’s, Beware of Pride talk that we studied a couple weeks ago kept creeping in.  Power has its roots in pride.  Benson said, “The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others.”  It is impossible to give up power when we are motivated by pride.

     I was surprised to discover that pride could be a factor in dysfunctional parent-child hierarchies both when parents are authoritarian and when they are permissive.  In the first, parents may be harsh and intimidating, not allowing for any form of family council, but only a “do as I say” dictatorship.  Permissive parents, who are overly concerned with how their children view them, are equally prideful.  Benson also said, “The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not,” and for some parents, that includes whether their children like them. 

     “It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family.  Sometimes, a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent” (Miller p. 2)  Power struggles between parents are bad enough, but when children are drawn into taking sides against a parent, by the other parent, the child loses respect and trust for both.  When I was a teenager, my dad and step-mom often put me in that position.  Their outward intentions were to “help me see the truth” but what they really wanted was an ally who would support their side of the war.  I remember feeling torn and helpless.  What I really wanted was for them to stop the war, not put me in a position of choosing sides. 

     There is a misconception among many adults today that children should be exposed to arguments, so they learn that parents can still love each other, even when they disagree.  Seeing parents disagree calmly and maturely, watching them listen to the other side of the issue and hearing them pray together for consensus can all be great learning experiences.  However, I believe that what they need to see more often, is parents who support each other without disagreeing, parents who have a balance of power and who keep pride in check for the benefit of their family.  Children should never be made to feel like their loyalty to one parent puts their loyalty to the other in jeopardy.  When parents form a united front, they create an emotionally stable environment for their children. 

Benson, E.T. (1989). Beware of pride. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Miller, R.B. (2008, March 28). Who is the boss? Power relationships in families. Address presented at the BYU Conference on Family Life, Provo, UT.

"Secrets" to a Happy Marriage

My husband and I both come from a long line of marital infidelity.  Both of our fathers were unfaithful many times and our parent’s marriages ended in divorce, with both fathers marrying one of their affairs and our mothers staying single for the rest of their lives.  Three of our four sets of grandparents were also divorced because of infidelity.  In each of those cases, the single mother was remarried later to a man who adopted one of our parents and provided a stable, loving home.  We never knew the grandfathers who left the marriages and gave their children up for adoption by a new father. 

As a result, safeguarding our marriage from infidelity has been a high priority for us.  As I studied the reading materials this week, I realized how blessed we’ve been with inspiration that has kept our marriage strong and safe over the years.  Until I began this degree, we’d never read a marriage book, gone to a marriage counselor or studied the ways to build and keep strong marriages beyond the teachings of our church leaders at General Conference, the Family Proclamation and the information in the temple ordinances.

The Lord protects His children if they listen.

When our son was engaged, he asked us what the most important things were that we’d done to keep our marriage strong.  We took some time to discuss the question and these were our responses: pray together every day; go on weekly dates; kiss each other at comings and goings; ignore the annoyances and focus on the reasons we love each other; prioritize (1)God, (2)our marriage, (3)our family unit, then (4)everything else; don’t allow cares of the world to interfere with an eternal focus; and, remember that once you’ve made covenants across the temple alter, the time for choosing is over and the time for making it work has begun. 

I’m sure there are a million other little things we could have told him, but we felt like those goals had given us a foundation of strength and fidelity that have carried us for nearly 30 years.  The big names in marriage and family research and counseling have provided insights and counsel, data and conclusions that are helpful in the war against marriage and family.  But for most couples, the only battle against marriage and family they will fight in is their own.  Conquering the enemy is a guarantee if the Lord’s strategies are employed by both spouses. 

Gridlock

“Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity.”

-H. Wallace Goddard

     Saturday is here again.  Randy worked hard all week and wants to go “do something” with the kids.  I’ve worked hard all week, too.  I homeschool the children, cook the meals, clean the house, direct the chores, oversee the care of the animals and the garden, drive the family taxi, etc.  The retaining wall still needs to be finished, the pig pen needs to be cleaned out for the winter, the barn needs to be organized, cars need vacuuming, the garage is full of leaves from the Autumn drop, pumpkins need canning, apples need drying. 

     But Randy wants to do something fun.  “Wholesome recreational activities, Jen.  Successful families are built upon them!” 

     I am the work, he is the play.  Between us, the children have a healthy balance, but I never quite feel like he works enough around the house and he never quite feels like I play enough with the family.  

     Gridlock.

     Long before we knew John Gottman’s name, we dug deep within ourselves to identify why we couldn’t see eye to eye on the correct balance between work and play.  We realized we’d been raised to value opposite characteristics.  I grew up with parents who didn’t play: no card games with friends, no sports or park dates or family bike rides.  A strong work ethic was instilled early, and I felt my parent’s approval when I worked hard and did a good job.  Randy’s dad lettered in every sport possible in high school, his mom danced and loved games of every kind.  He and his siblings played catch with their dad, competed on sports teams, goofed around and laughed together.  Their house wasn’t as clean as mine was, their yard had grass with sprinklers instead of beautifully landscaped flower beds, they went to amusement parks and city parks, skiing trips and swimming pools, we did not.  Randy felt parental approval for success on the field and the stage, with academic achievement and with success at the fish pond.

     We’ve been married 28 years.  This difference could have torn us apart.  I could have decided that he didn’t care about our home or how overworked I was and by extension, didn’t care about me.  He could have decided he wanted someone who was more impulsive and fun-loving and that my work-ethic made me a boring, nag-prone wife.  We won’t ever fix this gridlock.  I don’t even want to fix it now!  That man has taught my sons how to be involved fathers.  How ironic that the trait that most annoyed me while we were raising our children, was the one I always wished my own father had when I was a child. 

     Successful families are built on “…work and wholesome recreational activities.”  This particular gridlock stopped being a point of contention when we discovered where our perspectives had been born and realized that our goal was the same.  I still don’t play as much as Randy would like.  He still doesn’t act on house projects without prodding.  But we do have a successful marriage and family.  Gridlock isn’t the end of a marriage, It’s just one more opportunity to exercise charity.

1. Family: A Proclamation to the World, para 7

A Habit of Anger

“A cunning part of Satan’s strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.”

“I lost my temper.” 

“He made me so mad.”

“Are you kidding me?  I can’t believe he did that!”

My husband is gifted at not being offended.  He has always said, “’I’m offended, or I take offense at that,’ means I choose to take offense at what someone said or did.  Nobody ever says, ‘I’m giving you offense!’  I have to choose whether to take it or dismiss it.  I choose to dismiss it and be free.”  Elder Lynn G. Robbins General Conference talk, Agency and Anger, has a similar theme about anger.  Elder Robbins says that by allowing others to make us angry, we are implying that we have no control over our emotions.

Elder Robbins said, “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry.”  It is a choice, at least at first.  For many, however, anger has become a habit that robs control of their emotions.  In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg teaches that habits are essential for our survival.  They allow us to react without conscious thought to repetitive influences and even to dangerous situations.  However, we can override a habit, we can reteach our brains.  In other words, we still have our agency, even when we have habits. 

For too many of us, anger has become a bad habit.  The Atonement makes it possible to overcome the natural man and bad habits are one of the hallmarks of the natural man.

For me, the desire to change what had become an anger habit came from a toddler who began living by my example of angry outbursts.   I was spending an inordinate amount of time correcting his outbursts and anger (often with no patience of my own) until one day, the Spirit whispered (loud enough to be heard over my anger) “Maybe you need a timeout.”   I realized I was being my father; I was, in effect, saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” to my children.  I always hated it when my dad said that to us.  It felt wrong as a child and it was terrifying to realize I was repeating the mistake.  The habit didn’t change overnight, but the desire to change was there and the motivation was strong. 

Now, when I feel angry, I dig deeper.  What is the real cause of this?  Do I feel helpless?  Scared?  Tired?  Incapable?  Threatened?  I pause.  I give my brain a chance to act, rather than react.  I’m still not perfect.  Elder Robbins asked us to ponder the resolution, “I will never become angry again.”  I’d like that.  I’m better than I was.  I think the only way to get completely past anger is to lean entirely on the Savior.  I can lean more.

Fixing Myself

In the April 1989 General Conference, President Hinckley read a talk that President Benson had written for the Church.  President Benson’s health was failing and like so many prophets before him, he left us an example of humility and a legacy of faith.  President Benson’s remarks were bold.  In his introduction, he said, “Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance.”  He left little room for any of us to claim ignorance by the time the talk was finished.  

When I finished reviewing the talk this time, the first thought that came to mind was H. Wallace Goddard’s postscript to his chapter about humility and repentance in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.  “If, as you read this chapter, you found yourself thinking how much your partner needs it, I encourage you to re-read the chapter with yourself in mind.”  That echoed President Benson who said, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.”   I had seen others, not just my spouse, in much of the reading.  I realized how often I’ve been guilty of seeing their pride and trying to “fix it” rather than focusing on my own issues. 

 President Benson taught, “The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily.”  Um, yeah.  When my husband and I took our vacation last month, one morning we were visiting with other guests over breakfast when one mentioned that she lived just outside Houston, TX.  I replied that our daughter had lived there a few years ago and loved it.  A bit later someone else mentioned Pennsylvania and I again commented that our daughter-in-law had lived there and couldn’t wait for the trip back to show off the area to our son this Fall.  After we’d been driving for a while, my husband said, “Can I teach you something about being a missionary?”  He corrected me (very kindly) for not saying that our kids had served missions for our church in those areas.  That, he said, may have opened a door for further discussion or testifying about the restored Gospel.  I was already feeling disappointed in myself, because I’d ignored that exact prompting, both times!  But when he gently pointed it out, my pride kicked in.  It took about an hour before the tension in the car dissipated and I was sufficiently humble to acknowledge my mistake.  

Pride.  I had no reason to be upset with R.  I already knew I’d made a mistake and he was being kind and loving.   John Gottman states, “Accepting influence is an attitude, but it’s also a skill that you can hone if you pay attention to how you relate to your spouse.  Gratefully, I’m married to an “emotionally intelligent” man.  We both have moments where we put on the armor of pride, but humility is a trait we both desire.  The best way to “pay attention” as Gottman instructs, is to pray for it, frequently. 

.  H. Wallace Goddard said it well, “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others.  God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.”  My re-read gave me plenty to work on; enough that I don’t have time to worry about fixing anyone else.

Benson, E.T. (1989).  Beware of pride.  Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng   

The Small Things

“Wherefore, be not weary in well-dong, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work.  And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.” D&C 64:33

            For most of us, our acts of generosity, kindness and charity are small things.  Most of us do not head non-profit organizations, donate millions of dollars to charity, spend our work week in volunteer positions or lead projects that will change the world.  Most of us, spend our days and weeks having little influence outside of our own small circle of family, friends and co-workers. 

            But what if that’s enough?  What if our little influence is all that’s required?  As long as it is well-placed, I believe God makes it into something far bigger, better and world-changing than our small contribution could ever be on its own. 

            When I consider the marriages I know well, that have survived the test of time, they all have one thing in common: little things.  The best marriages don’t require expensive worldly possessions, high powered careers, or even lots of shared hobbies and interests.  The best marriages I know have spouses who are focused on making the other feel loved and desired. 

            John Gottman calls this “turning toward one another.”  When my husband walks in from work and sighs as he puts his things down, I have a choice.  Ignore his bid for attention (my day hasn’t exactly been a piece of cake and I’m in the middle of cooking his dinner) or pause and give him my attention, “Hard day?”  The crazy thing is, 90% of the time, those two words are all he needed.  “Yeah, glad to be home,” might be all he says before giving me a kiss, going on to put his stuff away, rough house the boys or a few minutes and offer to help with dinner.  

Missing that bid for attention can have just as big a consequence in the opposite direction.  If instead of “Hard day?” my response was harsh, “I’m glad you’re finally here, can you please take M outside before I lose it?” or “I thought you were going to be home at 5:30 tonight?”  the entire evening will probably be grumpy and snippy.   Unless, of course, my husband recognizes my return bid that was cloaked in harsh, critical language and responds, “Sounds like your day might have been worse than mine.” 

It doesn’t take much.  Focusing on the little bids for attention, the moments when our spouse turns toward us, seeking our relationship, can make the difference between bickering and fighting and peace and harmony.  The Lord may have been talking about the restoration of the Gospel, in D&C 64:33, but it applies equally as well to the restoration of any marriage.  It’s not the Caribbean Cruise or the full day of yard work that make for a great marriage, its small bids and small returns that create the foundation of lasting marriages.  Eternal marriages.  Something great.