Power and Pride

   

  Richard Miller opens his address, Who is the Boss, by stating, “Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems.”  As I read his remarks, thoughts of Ezra Benson’s, Beware of Pride talk that we studied a couple weeks ago kept creeping in.  Power has its roots in pride.  Benson said, “The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others.”  It is impossible to give up power when we are motivated by pride.

     I was surprised to discover that pride could be a factor in dysfunctional parent-child hierarchies both when parents are authoritarian and when they are permissive.  In the first, parents may be harsh and intimidating, not allowing for any form of family council, but only a “do as I say” dictatorship.  Permissive parents, who are overly concerned with how their children view them, are equally prideful.  Benson also said, “The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not,” and for some parents, that includes whether their children like them. 

     “It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family.  Sometimes, a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent” (Miller p. 2)  Power struggles between parents are bad enough, but when children are drawn into taking sides against a parent, by the other parent, the child loses respect and trust for both.  When I was a teenager, my dad and step-mom often put me in that position.  Their outward intentions were to “help me see the truth” but what they really wanted was an ally who would support their side of the war.  I remember feeling torn and helpless.  What I really wanted was for them to stop the war, not put me in a position of choosing sides. 

     There is a misconception among many adults today that children should be exposed to arguments, so they learn that parents can still love each other, even when they disagree.  Seeing parents disagree calmly and maturely, watching them listen to the other side of the issue and hearing them pray together for consensus can all be great learning experiences.  However, I believe that what they need to see more often, is parents who support each other without disagreeing, parents who have a balance of power and who keep pride in check for the benefit of their family.  Children should never be made to feel like their loyalty to one parent puts their loyalty to the other in jeopardy.  When parents form a united front, they create an emotionally stable environment for their children. 

Benson, E.T. (1989). Beware of pride. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Miller, R.B. (2008, March 28). Who is the boss? Power relationships in families. Address presented at the BYU Conference on Family Life, Provo, UT.