I’ve spent the last week considering how nurturing my
fondness and admiration can make a difference in the relationship I have with
both of my sons who have developmental disabilities. We’ve gone through a difficult time
recently. Just as with typical children,
the times of joy and peace are cyclical with the times of stress and
trial. Unfortunately, both boys have
been going through a tough time, at the same time.
In Alma chapters 60-61, Moroni writes to Pahoran, chastising
him for not sending the help that Moroni so desperately needed. Moroni is a man of God and a great leader,
but he is at the end of his charity.
Pahoran graciously takes in all that Moroni wrongly accuses him of and
replies with praise and gratitude for Moroni’s righteous motivations. Moroni had lost sight of who his real enemy
was.
Sometimes I lose sight of who my enemy is. When life is difficult and my boys are trying
my patience, creativity and emotional stamina, I sometimes falsely label them
as my enemies. They become the focus of
my anger and ridicule. They become the
object of my fight. Gratefully, the Lord
gave me Pahoran to answer for them and the Spirit to remind me of who the real
enemy is.
Satan is the enemy of all things family. He is the one who wants us to be miserable,
the one who desires our anger and finger-pointing and what-ifs. My boys are not my enemy, they are fighting
on the same side of the war I’m fighting on, the war for the life of our
eternal family. Sometimes I can’t see
what’s keeping them from coming to my aid.
Sometimes I don’t see the battles they’re waging because I’m so focused
on my own. Sometimes, they need me to
come to their rescue when I thought all along that they were just living the
good life and I was the one doing all the work.
This time, I fought the enemy in a new way. This time, I used Gottman’s antidote to
contempt. I started Gottman’s seven-week
course in fondness and admiration and focused on my boys each day. “I am genuinely fond of M and
S.” M is so sweet with his
nephews and S offers the most heartfelt prayers. The second day I thought of good times I’ve
had being their mom and the next day, specific qualities that make me proud of
each of them. It’s been over a week
now. Some days have been harder than
others, but I’m already feeling a difference.
They are my sons, not my enemies. Divided we will both fall. Together, bound by my fondness and admiration
for who they are becoming, we will conquer our mutual enemy.
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