The Small Things

“Wherefore, be not weary in well-dong, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work.  And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.” D&C 64:33

            For most of us, our acts of generosity, kindness and charity are small things.  Most of us do not head non-profit organizations, donate millions of dollars to charity, spend our work week in volunteer positions or lead projects that will change the world.  Most of us, spend our days and weeks having little influence outside of our own small circle of family, friends and co-workers. 

            But what if that’s enough?  What if our little influence is all that’s required?  As long as it is well-placed, I believe God makes it into something far bigger, better and world-changing than our small contribution could ever be on its own. 

            When I consider the marriages I know well, that have survived the test of time, they all have one thing in common: little things.  The best marriages don’t require expensive worldly possessions, high powered careers, or even lots of shared hobbies and interests.  The best marriages I know have spouses who are focused on making the other feel loved and desired. 

            John Gottman calls this “turning toward one another.”  When my husband walks in from work and sighs as he puts his things down, I have a choice.  Ignore his bid for attention (my day hasn’t exactly been a piece of cake and I’m in the middle of cooking his dinner) or pause and give him my attention, “Hard day?”  The crazy thing is, 90% of the time, those two words are all he needed.  “Yeah, glad to be home,” might be all he says before giving me a kiss, going on to put his stuff away, rough house the boys or a few minutes and offer to help with dinner.  

Missing that bid for attention can have just as big a consequence in the opposite direction.  If instead of “Hard day?” my response was harsh, “I’m glad you’re finally here, can you please take M outside before I lose it?” or “I thought you were going to be home at 5:30 tonight?”  the entire evening will probably be grumpy and snippy.   Unless, of course, my husband recognizes my return bid that was cloaked in harsh, critical language and responds, “Sounds like your day might have been worse than mine.” 

It doesn’t take much.  Focusing on the little bids for attention, the moments when our spouse turns toward us, seeking our relationship, can make the difference between bickering and fighting and peace and harmony.  The Lord may have been talking about the restoration of the Gospel, in D&C 64:33, but it applies equally as well to the restoration of any marriage.  It’s not the Caribbean Cruise or the full day of yard work that make for a great marriage, its small bids and small returns that create the foundation of lasting marriages.  Eternal marriages.  Something great.