A Habit of Anger

“A cunning part of Satan’s strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.”

“I lost my temper.” 

“He made me so mad.”

“Are you kidding me?  I can’t believe he did that!”

My husband is gifted at not being offended.  He has always said, “’I’m offended, or I take offense at that,’ means I choose to take offense at what someone said or did.  Nobody ever says, ‘I’m giving you offense!’  I have to choose whether to take it or dismiss it.  I choose to dismiss it and be free.”  Elder Lynn G. Robbins General Conference talk, Agency and Anger, has a similar theme about anger.  Elder Robbins says that by allowing others to make us angry, we are implying that we have no control over our emotions.

Elder Robbins said, “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry.”  It is a choice, at least at first.  For many, however, anger has become a habit that robs control of their emotions.  In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg teaches that habits are essential for our survival.  They allow us to react without conscious thought to repetitive influences and even to dangerous situations.  However, we can override a habit, we can reteach our brains.  In other words, we still have our agency, even when we have habits. 

For too many of us, anger has become a bad habit.  The Atonement makes it possible to overcome the natural man and bad habits are one of the hallmarks of the natural man.

For me, the desire to change what had become an anger habit came from a toddler who began living by my example of angry outbursts.   I was spending an inordinate amount of time correcting his outbursts and anger (often with no patience of my own) until one day, the Spirit whispered (loud enough to be heard over my anger) “Maybe you need a timeout.”   I realized I was being my father; I was, in effect, saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” to my children.  I always hated it when my dad said that to us.  It felt wrong as a child and it was terrifying to realize I was repeating the mistake.  The habit didn’t change overnight, but the desire to change was there and the motivation was strong. 

Now, when I feel angry, I dig deeper.  What is the real cause of this?  Do I feel helpless?  Scared?  Tired?  Incapable?  Threatened?  I pause.  I give my brain a chance to act, rather than react.  I’m still not perfect.  Elder Robbins asked us to ponder the resolution, “I will never become angry again.”  I’d like that.  I’m better than I was.  I think the only way to get completely past anger is to lean entirely on the Savior.  I can lean more.