Gridlock

“Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity.”

-H. Wallace Goddard

     Saturday is here again.  Randy worked hard all week and wants to go “do something” with the kids.  I’ve worked hard all week, too.  I homeschool the children, cook the meals, clean the house, direct the chores, oversee the care of the animals and the garden, drive the family taxi, etc.  The retaining wall still needs to be finished, the pig pen needs to be cleaned out for the winter, the barn needs to be organized, cars need vacuuming, the garage is full of leaves from the Autumn drop, pumpkins need canning, apples need drying. 

     But Randy wants to do something fun.  “Wholesome recreational activities, Jen.  Successful families are built upon them!” 

     I am the work, he is the play.  Between us, the children have a healthy balance, but I never quite feel like he works enough around the house and he never quite feels like I play enough with the family.  

     Gridlock.

     Long before we knew John Gottman’s name, we dug deep within ourselves to identify why we couldn’t see eye to eye on the correct balance between work and play.  We realized we’d been raised to value opposite characteristics.  I grew up with parents who didn’t play: no card games with friends, no sports or park dates or family bike rides.  A strong work ethic was instilled early, and I felt my parent’s approval when I worked hard and did a good job.  Randy’s dad lettered in every sport possible in high school, his mom danced and loved games of every kind.  He and his siblings played catch with their dad, competed on sports teams, goofed around and laughed together.  Their house wasn’t as clean as mine was, their yard had grass with sprinklers instead of beautifully landscaped flower beds, they went to amusement parks and city parks, skiing trips and swimming pools, we did not.  Randy felt parental approval for success on the field and the stage, with academic achievement and with success at the fish pond.

     We’ve been married 28 years.  This difference could have torn us apart.  I could have decided that he didn’t care about our home or how overworked I was and by extension, didn’t care about me.  He could have decided he wanted someone who was more impulsive and fun-loving and that my work-ethic made me a boring, nag-prone wife.  We won’t ever fix this gridlock.  I don’t even want to fix it now!  That man has taught my sons how to be involved fathers.  How ironic that the trait that most annoyed me while we were raising our children, was the one I always wished my own father had when I was a child. 

     Successful families are built on “…work and wholesome recreational activities.”  This particular gridlock stopped being a point of contention when we discovered where our perspectives had been born and realized that our goal was the same.  I still don’t play as much as Randy would like.  He still doesn’t act on house projects without prodding.  But we do have a successful marriage and family.  Gridlock isn’t the end of a marriage, It’s just one more opportunity to exercise charity.

1. Family: A Proclamation to the World, para 7